The Pretty Friggin' Weird Diaries
by Reshima Skynight
Summary: What goes on in the minds of the sadistic and sex-crazed characters of the Harry Potter series? ...Come and find out.
1. So It Begins

**The Pretty Friggin' Weird Diaries**

By: I'm-So-Ashamed-To-Be-Writing-This-Type-Of-Story-reshimaskynight-

I don't know how this started… it just did… So bear with me until the phase is over.

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

A funny man came today he showed me green fireworks. Then he pretended to kill my parents. He made me laugh.

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Dear Diary,

Mommy and Daddy are really good at playing dead.

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Mommy? Daddy?

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Holy shit.

* * *

**Voldemort**

Dear Diary,

My day consisted of:

1. Killing people

2. Massage therapy

3. Almost shagging the fifteen-month-old SEX GOD.

4. Trying to fulfill some goddamn prophecy that I don't know crap about and will comeupinthefifthbook_mumblemumble_.

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Dear Diary,

I tried to lure the fifteen-month-old SEX GOD by taping pacifiers to my nipples. That didn't work. Now on to plan B…

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Dear Diary,

Decided to show the illegal SEX GOD who was boss. Gave him a hickey.

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On his forehead.

* * *

**Harry **

Dear Diary,

Damn fucker punctured my perfect skin. I'll show him…

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Broke his wand.

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Literally.

* * *

**Voldemort**

Dear Diary,

Curse you, you illegal piece of supple flesh! It'll take approximately ten years to mend my sensitive shaft! AH, but I shall return! And when I do, I shall take your virginity. Mwahaha.

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1st Goal: Grow a penis

2nd Goal: Ravage SEX GOD's virginity.

3rd Goal: Make him like it.

* * *

**Uncle Vernon**

Dear Diary,

Quite a surprise I got on my front porch today! I finally got my _Boy-Toy for the Beginner Pedophile _in the mail.

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Dear Diary,

Woe is me. It turns out to be my wife's sister's son who happens to be a wizard and escaped a near death experience when his parents were murdered by the deadliest wizard of the age. My life is so boring.

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I'm feeling very excited right now… "Oh Harry… come and help Uncle polish his flute!"

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

"I'm a fucking fifteen-month old baby! I'm innocent and pure, so back away! GET THAT PENIS AWAY FROM ME! FUCKING PERVERT!"

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I don't even know what the hell a penis is.

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_Fast forward ten years…_

Dear Diary,

I looked in my pants today. Hm… what is that delightful object I see?

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Ah… so _that's _a penis.

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_Poke- … -Poke- … _Hee hee… It wiggles.

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Dear Diary,

Apparently, I've forgotten all about that Mr. Voldemort and his broken wand and how he murdered my parents. I am just an ordinary non-wizard-boy-because-I-don't-know-it-yet who lives in a cupboard under the stairs.

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I like cupboards. I have my privacy so I can be able to play with my best friend… Mr. Powers. Yes, I named my wee-wee. I even drew a little face on him with my Sharpie.

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Dear Diary,

Today, Dudders let me meet _his _best friend: Mr. Crunchy. So Mr. Crunchy and Mr. Powers decided to have a play date. It was fun.

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_Very_ fun.

* * *

**Uncle Vernon**

Dear Diary,

Quite a surprise I got on my front porch today! I finally got my _Owl-Treat for the Beginner Different Species Lover _in the mail.

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Woe is me _again_. It was just an ordinary owl carrying a message for my nephew saying that he has been accepted into a prestigious wizarding school where he will learn spells and potions which are unfathomable to the Muggle mind. My life is so boring.

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Dear Diary,

All these owls with their taunting hoots of "sex"! It's driving me crazy. I am in much need of my _Owl-Treat for the Beginner Different Species Lover_ since I was deprived ten years ago of my _Boy-Toy for the Beginner Pedophile_. Oh, I can't stand it anymore! I must leave before I accidentally rape one of these magical owls!

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"We're going away! Just pack some handcuffs and condoms! No arguments!"

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

Oooh, are we going on a vacation? Are we going to Puerto Rico? Can I pick up some Puerto Rican prostitutes so I can try out my newly discovered penis?

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I'm currently disappointed. We are not in Puerto Rico. We are at some rickety beach house thing…

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Ah! They also have a cupboard under the stairs! Excuse me, but I believe that I have an appointment with Mr. Powers.

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Happy Birthday to me… Oh, Mr. Powers! You got me a birthday present? You want to give it to me now? Well, okay…

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_Moan_ …

* * *

**Hagrid**

Dear Diareh,

Broke down theh door… saw 'Arry lyin' there playin' wi' 'is shaft. Eh-e'-o'-a-'e, I kant spelleh…

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" 'Appeh Burrfday, 'Arry!" says I. "I got yeh a burffday cake!"

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

_Moan_- …

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Zipped up my pants as the large beard with arms and legs freed me from the Dursleys.

* * *

**Uncle Vernon**

"You can't take him away!"

* * *

**Hagrid**

"Oh yeh? An' wuts a great big Muggle lahk yuu gonna do 'bout it?... Bitch?"

* * *

**Uncle Vernon**

Sighs- … "Well, if you insist…" …. –Unzips his pants-

* * *

**Hagrid**

Dear Diary,

Grabbed 'Arry by the ding-a-ling and got the hell outta there.

* * *

**Harry**

_Giggle_-

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…

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"Can you grab me there again?"

* * *

**Hagrid**

"No, 'Arry. We must keep all sexual stuff at a limit. Theh onleh thing tha' can deflower yeh is— No, I can't say it."

* * *

**Harry**

"Tell me?"

* * *

**Hagrid**

"I kan't tell yeh, 'Arreh. It's part of theh propheceh. Eh. Heh."

* * *

**Harry**

_Slips his hands down his pants_-

* * *

**Hagrid**

"What yeh doin'?"

* * *

**Harry**

"I'm horneh."


	2. Search for Comrades

A/N: Hey! Check out my myspace! The link is on my profile. Add me, kay?

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

I won't have to depend on my hand whenever Mr. Powers needs relieving… because Hagrid got me an owl for my birthday! If there was anything I learned from Uncle Vernon, it's that animals have holes in convenient places too! Yay!

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"Hedwig! Quit that! Your beak is so sharp!"

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Dear Diary,

I'm already 11 years old and I haven't gotten laid yet… I'll never get laid! I'll die a virgin! I hate myself! I'm so unattractive!

* * *

**Gringotts Goblin**

"I think you're attractive…"

* * *

**Harry**

"Oh, do you really?…"

* * *

**Gringott's Goblin**

"May I put my key in your lock?"

* * *

**Harry**

"Come to me, baby…"

* * *

**Hagrid**

"No, 'Arry! You mustn't! Theh onleh thing tha' can take yer virginity is theh…. Is theh…"

* * *

**Harry**

"Is theh… I mean, is the what?"

* * *

**Hagrid**

"No, I kan't tell yeh, 'Arry. I'm not suppose ta tell yeh 'bout theh Sorcerer's Stone… which yeh hafta shove up yer arse in order to lose yer virginiteh. Eh. Heh."

* * *

**Harry**

"The Sorcerer's Stone?"

* * *

**Hagrid**

"Shouldn'ta said tha'…"

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

I must know more about this Sorcerer's Stone. And I must need comrades to help me search for it!

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NOTICE

_WANTED: COMRADES for a SECRET MISSION._

_Please contact HARRY POTTER, the SEXY GOLDEN BOY._

* * *

**Ron**

Dear Diary,

Where am I going? I don't know where I'm going. Is it school? Hogwarts, it's called? I'm scared. Oh no, I have to walk through an invisible barrier through a wall? What if I crash? What if I get a concussion? I might die. I'm going to die, aren't I? I'm going to die, oh my God, I need to write a will, what am I going to do, I need my drugs.

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I think my brothers are sexually harassing me. What am I going to do? Should I tell my mother? Should I call _The Abuse of Sexy Children _hotline? They're always trying to touch my danger-area. Especially Fred and George. Percy just does it when no one is looking. What am I going to do? Am I going to get pregnant?

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"Stay away from my danger!"

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Dear Diary,

I saw the ad Harry Potter put up. I should apply for the position of 'comrade.' Do you think he'll accept? I hope he'll accept. What if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm smelly? What if… what if… I don't know what to do. Maybe I should offer sexual gratification!

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

(_Giggle_)_…_ I found a comrade. His hand is better than my hand.

* * *

**Ron**

Fred and George taught me well.

* * *

**Draco**

Dear Diary,

It seems like this sexy piece of pie is in need of a comrade. Oh I'll provide him a comrade all right…

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Dear Diary,

I approached the Sexy Golden Boy with caution. And when he caught sight of me, his green eyes flashed with LUST.

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I think he wants to whip me.

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In a good way.

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

Scantily clad blonde boy approached me. I think he may be trying too hard. Oh— a fly went into my eye… excuse me for a second…

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I think he wants to rape me.

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In a bad way.

* * *

**Draco**

"So it's true then. What they've been saying on the train… Harry Potter is in need of fuck buddies— I mean, comrades."

* * *

**Harry**

"Yes…"

* * *

**Draco**

"Well, this is Crabbe…"

* * *

**Crabbe**

(_Blank_)

* * *

**Draco**

"And this is Goyle…"

* * *

**Goyle**

(_Blank_)

* * *

**Draco**

"And I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."

* * *

**Ron**

(GUFFAW GUFFAW SNORT SNORT CHUCKLE LAUGH HAHAHAHA)

* * *

**Draco**

"Think my name's funny, do you? Well, no need to ask for _yours_… A dildo in your pocket, manjuice on your fingers… You must be a Weasley."

* * *

**Ron**

(_Glare_)

* * *

**Draco**

"My whip is better than your whip, Weasley."

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

Ron and Draco are fighting over me. Yay.

* * *

**Draco**

(_Turns to Harry_) "You'll soon learn that some wizarding whips are better than others, Potter. You don't want to go having sex with the wrong sort. I can help you there." (_Extends his whip_)

* * *

**Harry **

(_Glances at the small length of Draco's whip_) … "I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks."

* * *

**Draco**

Dear Diary,

The Sexy Golden Boy rejected my whip. I'm supposedly the "wrong sort." Why doesn't anyone love me?

(_Runs away crying_)

* * *

**Harry**

Dear Diary,

I rejected the blonde sex bomb because his whip was too small. How can he protect me with a small whip? But the redhead sex bomb's whip is huge enough to take down a whole fleet of submarines… with seamen… hehehe…

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Now that I've found comrade number one, I'm on a quest to find comrade number two!

* * *

**Hermione**

Dear Diary,

I'm ugly. My hair looks like it should be on my crotch and my teeth are so bad, nobody would ever let me give them a blowjob. I'm so unloved and nobody wants me! I'm going to commit suicide!

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After I finish my homework.

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And after I give the troll a handjob.

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And after I take a shit.


End file.
